How to remake a game with PvP Done Right

I want to be a MMOG developer. I got the credentials. Not only did I play Risk in college a couple of times, but I also play a Blood Elf Paladin in WSG all day long. King of the best battleground, level twenties representing in da’hizzhouussse. I don’t need no Disney Toon Town license to make the best MMO either like Blizzard needed the Warcraft idea they copied from Warhammer.

It has always been a life-long dream of mine to be in the MMOG industry, and thankfully to World of Warcraft’s fifty-thousand plus development crew anyone can be a MMOG developer today. New MMOG startups are starting left and right and they all worked on World of Warcraft. Since I’m a self-proclaimed MMO developer now, (I opened up an emulated WoW server five minutes ago) I’ve gone ahead and rewritten Lum’s PvP manifesto to prove my meat is worth more than what meets the eye.

PvP should not be the focus of your entire game

This is important, extremely important. To make a successful PvP MMO you need to know your A. B. C’s of MMOG PvP design. A stands for Always; B stands for Be; and C stands for Cock-waving. Always Be Cock-waving. Learn it, and Live by it.

In order to do this we need systems that focus on non PvP mechanics. We are going to achieve this mainly in due part with our new revolutionary in-game billing system. We will in fact charge our players whenever the fuck we feel like it. Does our office really need more waving golden diamond encrusted dick trophies? Why, yes, it does.

In order to help us complete this objective from the non-billing side we want to cut off the best part of the game and have you farm to get there, and haha, you will be doing a lot of faction grinding! American Chinese style, we make you work harder than Sad Panda Express.

PvP should not be a random afterthought

Let’s talk about something not that important. We the developers hate our players thus we also need keep making buggy expansions to rip them off! We will go to great lengths to not dismiss PvP in our MMOG. We want you hating each other, griefing, etc. And I can tell you now that PvP in our MMOG is the best out there. It hasn’t been seen in any other MMOG. We are going to introduce all sorts of PvP systems. There will be innovation, revolutionary, hot-dog, supah, fancy mechanisms that add to your PvP experience. You just wait and see what we have planned for the next expansion.

PvP players hate classes

This is why we are going to make them fun. For the very first time never before seen in any MMOG we are introducing a the first UNIQUE CLASS in any MMOG. This class is the Developer. In our MMOG you will get to be a Developer for the day after you do a quest that involves your credit card. This will give you access to epic developer only gear and abilities like levitation and spawn uber scary dragons staff.

PvP players need classes

We talked about how we would make our classes fun, but the real reason why players need them is because most players suffer from severe from some type of brain damage. These players tend to complain on the forums, in their blogs, on their podcasts (lolz). We won’t be listening. You really need classes!

Players detest grinding

Most do detest grinding, but we like keeping them angry, bored and bitter. It makes us all warm and fuzzy inside. Remember, you gotta make the PvP part meaningful and exciting. Lots of suck will make it all that much better when you finally participate in the fun stuff.

Players need some grinding

Yea, they do. They really do. Grind all day, grind all night, welcome to level two. We want the content in our game to stand the test of time. In order to prevent players from rushing to the level cap we will implement the longest elongated leveling curve never before seen in any MMOG.

I think it will take, hmmmm, sec. I need to this about this. You know it depends on how I feel that day. If I see you leveling and it has taken you 50 days to level to 25. I’m reading your chat logs how you are so excited to level. I might change right there on the fly, bam 10 more bars bitch! That’s 10 more days to level. You see, so players do need some grinding so they don’t become bored and quit our game.

PvP should not screw new players over

This is very important you see. We hired psychiatrists who did all this scientific brain research and discovered that in various MMOGs when a new players continually lose to a more powerful player they will quit the game. We don’t want that – Dr. Phil doesn’t approve either, veto the players quitting! Dr. Phil and my development team want these players to give us money, so, one thing we will do for new players is invincibility. New players will have free death touch to any player they want for up to 50 times. So yes, new players are very important to us. It’s all part of the new player enhancement strategy.

PvP should screw over someone

Someone should always be getting screwed over and QQ. QQ is funny. QQ makes the griefer feel loads better about themselves too. And to help you enjoy screwing over someone our MMOG will feature twenty-four different corpse humping animations.

“You gotta keep ‘em separated”

Like the latest battlegrounds. Like a spreading siphon life. The kiddies are strappin’ on the way to the flag room. Getting potions and gear with the greatest of ease. Bash it up, bash it up! Hey – man you just killed our fucking Paladin? Take him out. You see here, we like many catchy PvP songs, yes. You know we got to keep them separated. No global server we don’t want Chinese players at all OK. You see they have to much time to undercut corrupt GMs selling duped gold and items for us, also supplying any guild that they like. So yes, some players will be separated.

But not too separated

Yes, in the game, we want players to be able to attack you whenever possible. Are you trying to shop at the auction house? Forget about it. That’s an open PvP zone. All the zones will be open PvP zones. If I can walk into a bank irl with a gun, that’s auto flag PvP. There are no non-PvP zones in-real life.. Anyway, you see you can’t beat all my awesome RL analogies to MMO PvP Design. All the zones in game will be open for PvP all the damn time.

In the endless player skill argument, you should assume your players don’t have any

And we will assume that you don’t. We know how to play better than you, we are smarter than you. We have so many more types of skills than our players. We got deer hunting skills, we got elephant riding skills. We have vampire dentistry skills. We have so many skills that the players can never have otherwise we wouldn’t be developers. Amirite? You can expect not to have any of these skills in the game. So, we will make sure you won’t have many “cool” skills to pick from in the game.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reward those players who do

So there are some players who know more about the game and actually play that game and call us out with numbers and real data and these things. We will reward this player with a banning. Serious, no player should be better than a developer, especially if they don’t accept our offer to come work in the GM department.

PvP players are angry and bitter, and will hate you

Yes, we will! But it’s all love really.