Forever in my heart, Auto Assault lives on

Destruction, that’s all I have on my mind as I careen past a repair shop looking to bind camp another hunk of metal cockroach – damn – no tire marks other than my own. Tearing out like a bat out of hell, I slam into another mongoloid mutant, my vehicle groans on impact, the wheels and shifting gears take care of the rest. I smile as the flailing wails and crunches echo in my ears - who needs a radio when you can make your own music.

I prefer to run shit down – vehicular manslaughter is my forte. Serious armor repairs are needed thanks to my hit and run addiction. The turrets hunger for some action, they stare at me sad and lonely but when it comes to range they come alive. Another vehicle is approaching and enters attack range – scanners make out a biomek contraption. What used to be mankind’s ally is now foe, these toasters didn’t get the job done so after the bombs dropped the world became this apocalyptic shit pile. I have no friends, my only rule is to kill on sight and ask questions later. I spin in reverse circles trying to maximize missile damage. I’m outmatched, win or lose it doesn’t matter - I always respawn - not this time. I see flashes of bright light in the distance… and another, the bombardment sparkling nearer and nearer. Before I can floor it, the sunsets find me.

***

This being my lasting Auto Assault memory, it’s so beautiful it tears at the heart strings. I want to cry and wipe my butt for some reason. Alright, I’m guilty. I don’t play Auto Assault, my last trip down memory lane took place last year sometime and it was more along the lines of me gnashing of teeth minced with vulgar words and thrashing my mouse around in attempting to quickly delete the game off my hard drive in record time.

Auto Assault failed because it was too niche and the 15 dollars a month asking price wasn’t worth it. The game would have fared better if it was free-to-play with premium subscriptions of say 5 bucks a month or 25 bucks every 6 months that granted players access to better tires, spinning diamond-encrusted rims, car models, hood gnome ornaments and whatever else. If it wasn’t the price, it was the designers who fucked it up because underneath the hood Auto Assault was more of the same, ruined by diku mechanics from its onset. Damn you elf dressed up in car diku clone!

***

Other interesting facts about Auto Assault

It had a better user interface than Lotro (ohhhhh, burn!), no elven vehicles, you could do donuts.

***

Lame junk heap puns used by witty e-scriveners after the Auto Assault end cometh announcement

***

Auto Assault Assaulted

Because molesting your tail pipe just isn’t as fun as it used to be.

***

Auto Assault Runs Out of Gas

Bastards from China farmed all the oil. I’m going solar, and if that doesn’t work, I’m building a golf-cart steam ship trolly.

***

Auto Assault Crashes and Burns

Watch this horrible action packed car and driver movie about a mechanic who tries to save his friend’s ride. When it looks like the end he uses part of the hydraulics in an attempt to save the car’s life! Truck and Mutant Smash magazines nominated it the best movie of the year. A riveting performance by Joe Rigs who plays the leading tow-truck driver.

***

Good bye, Auto Assault.