Vanguard’s Beta Break: The Illegal Beta Review

I should warn my readers, this review is extremely effective, so effective I’m breaking virtual and real worldly-world laws, I’m putting myself in a precarious environment, I can’t help myself, I live fucking dangerously, so much that Sigil’s lap dog, “Oloh the nda masa,” might show up with the authorities seeking justice and try and arrest me because this illegal beta review is effectively effective.

First of all, remember when McQuaid said Vanguard’s spawning system is the triple next generation? McQuaid wasn’t lying, because Microsoft has invested millions of dollars and assigned a team of scientists, the kind that wear hazmat suits to build Vanguard from nanotechnology. I’ve seen this generational movement in spawning first hand, it’s migratory. For example you’ll be running around Telon and unicorns will spawn from your character’s ass and slay you with their bull like horns, and the worse thing about the death is the unicorns look like my little ponies. And we all thought thought Equestrielle was a horse’s ass.

Speaking of horses, they will shit on your armor, I am not fucking around, when you get back from satiating your thirst for dungeon carnage, which mainly consist of a fancy outdoor cave filled with kobolds wearing dominatrix outfits, five hour plow, playersh ave to park their horses before they venture in, it’s an amazing image, hundreds of horses strewn about outside the generic cave dungeon. The problem is if you were gone for five hours and 1 second some horse will have shit all over the fucking armor you were forced to leave behind, you will have to go pay repair costs, which consists of a mini game, where you basically polish this horse shit off for about an hour, moving the mouse back and forth while three crafters run around gathering morning wood.

Vanguard’s death penalty, if you buy the collector’s edition, directly after your first death, from one of the many rare 3rd generation bestial spawns; a large rat, bear, bat, spider or crab, which all quad you for 500 because you didn’t press elbow block in response to the combat opening thing, thus McQuaid will show up at your living arrangement, at first he will explain through telekinesis he is testing the death penalty, during early phases at first I was like huh, he must want to use use the computer because I need to do a corpse recovery. McQuaid would always nod no and repeatedly punched me in the penis instead, that’s the start of one of the harshest death penalties in the history of the genre, don’t die bitches, but don’t worry, you earn a protection of the junk at level 50.

Hotties!!! Sorry ladies, which make up most of my readership. I’m a shovenist pig, Too put it simply the female ogres have the best situations, you perverts know what i mean, the ham wallets are fucking finetastic. I got an erection, and it didn’t look like a sad orc, so ogres for the bone. FTB!!

Customer support, remember Game Masters in EverQuest and how they would just float around in cshome and and portray themselves as gods when all they basically did was hit on manginas instead of fulfilling their real duties? Well, not only will Vanguard bring the cyber-relations back but customer support is on a whole other generational level. If you break the rules you get to sit in the corner and type lolzerbation and other quirky messages thousands of times over. Afterwards the messages will be sent to your parental guardian. Yep, punishments are interdependent of your family and friends, so they know when you’ve been naughty! Gogo player-punishment inter-dependency.

Originally, I decided a few months ago I wouldn’t do anything for April’s Fools and today when I gandered Blizzard’s shenanigans I started having seconds thoughts. I was going to write a long review on Vanguard and how it’s basically the best thing since wonder bread, make the review believable, because that would have been hilarious given recent events, but I didn’t have such mean spirit in me, I’m not a liar, and all the above is true, I tell it it like it is.